this morning i was driving my car.
there was a green leaf stuck on the windshield
i used the wipers. the leaf left an arc of water droplets behind
by the time i picked up my friend, only faint spots remained
the arc of droplets on a windshield late on an autumn morning; these made a moment
when i was a kid i had an idea about the afterlife:
what if it wasn't heaven and clouds, and my mom (and women in general) getting to be angels (my earlier theory)
what if it was just one moment, a freeze frame, extended forever?
that moment would be all you'd have. all your surroundings, everything you were feeling... ...right now, at this moment, i want to tell you some of the moments i remember
as a young child, inspired by something i saw on tv, asking my mom to give me a kitchen knife so i might chivalrously protect her
my grandfather papa sam helping me zip up my pjs, my weewee accidentally getting caught in the zipper...
some moments are family anecdotes, that are mine only through the hearing: my mom yelling up through the laundry chute to toss down kirk's clothes, his response from the tub: 'i don't talk to no walls'
my parents having friends over for dinner - being afraid to spit out the whole ice cube i had put in my mouth
breaking a sapling's branch at mrs davis' house to impress some other kids, and earning her justified wrath
christmas day at friends, my dad saying "MY BABY" and pretending not to give the daughter's dolly back
scared out my wits at sunday school, when the teacher (my aunt) showed a picture of firing squads christians might face during the apocalypse
a tough guy laughing as his compatriot got bothered by a cop, pulling the tree off a leaf as he passed
at the local fairground, they had one hotdog left, and my dad let me have it, he explained that was something dads just did
horsing around with my cousin in grandpa's chair, tipping back and impaling my forehead on a plant stand
one time in the car, dad telling me he loved me, and me feeling squirmy at that kind of direct pronouncement
getting told i was student of the week for my class at my new school, running down the hall and skidding on the floor - the friction blister was about as bad as the teacher chewing me out
an argument with my mom, where she told me my donkey kong jr custom minus the (scary-ish!) mask would be merely cutesy
a field trip to NYC, the waiter at mamma leone's saying he was 'da hudson rivah' as he refilled our water glasses
overnight stays at best friend todd's, the summerhot bedroom with him and me and his little brother talking and avoiding sleep
my dad angry at my "apple ii history quiz" getting a terrible score at the school history fair
shocked when realizing thinking "i hate..." triggered "...everything about this place" one miserable week at music camp
jeff at an after-church get-together, chugging a 2-liter of soda, saying he just 'had to burp', and throwing up all over
my dad, stricken with spinal meningitis, his muscular control system shot, explaining how he just wanted to enact how a son asks for money, and the father takes it out of his wallet, and gives it to him
making dad fried bologna sandwiches in the mornings after he was debilitated, but then stopping, uncomfortable with it all
being teased by my boss mr.j about how i'd furtively slink off to eat my allotted daily candy bar during my pharmacy shift
mr.j convincing me he had a voice controlled radio by sneakily changing stations with the steering wheel control buttons
and mr.j giving his tie to a UPS store clerk who admired it, then grumbling to me on the drive back about how he had to do that
my dad fighting to regain coordination, shakily taking walks around the block
mall fieldtrips with pregnant teens from my the program my mom oversaw, looking a bit like i had my own harem
staying up all night for the first time with beau, playing 'ninja' on the atari 800xl, throwing a joystick at him in frustration
the first kiss - the atomic fireball passed from her mouth to mine
mike d.b. snapping a girls bra - admiring the chutzpah, if not the manners
the chunky black and smelling of machine oil stands in the high school bandroom
marching band, screaming myself hoarse leading boom chikka boom
not stopping to say good morning on what was my dad's last morning
the changing of the honor guard at my dad's salvation army funeral
the state trooper saluting my dad's funeral procession
on a band trip to mexico, one member miming milking a cow in order to request milk, and cornell then just saying "milk please"
music camp, standing on the dew covered field for flag raising, the smell of mess hall
getting pantsed at music camp
sneaking away with d at the end of camp, the grass, her breasts - a first for me... making up for enthusiasm what i lacked in skill.
later during a more traditional courtship of j, calling her up at her house to have her look at the moon with me
ellen showing us a raunchy passage from "tropic of cancer" in the bandroom, and mike and i teasing her with "squish squish" ever after
after a day or two of being sick from school, looking at my horrible acne in the bathroom mirror, and later realizing it was actually chicken pox
flirting with v on the bus to boston, lying on the bus floor and studying her face upsidedown
outside the gubitosi's with v, kissing and kissing and kissing
opening my eyes once then, and seeing her eyes weren't shut either
feeling so sophisticated and european carrying a spare tampon for v at the school's day at the amusment park
endlessly jamming on the blues scale on the bandroom piano with mike
wrestling v's terribly overstuffed suitcase before she went back to germany
mesmerized by the weight on a spring on a string pendulum in physics class
romancing ms., watching for shooting stars on the shore of the lake until her dad came with a flashlight
the camaraderie of the dressing room for my high school's guys and dolls production, singalongs of "you've lost that loving feeling" and "pretty woman"
my big jule getting hit in the big jules by a clumsy sky masterson during dress rehearsal, the gratitude for being able to just lie there for a while
kissing and snuggling in the back of mike's car, the soundtrack to blues brothers and good morning vietnam
watching mike getting his nose broken by a bully
in portugal, running to catch a crazily crowded train after visiting its even more crowded dining car to get beers
that same trip, realizing i was drunk for the first time, regarding myself in the cafe's bathroom's mirror
tipsy at the deserted train station, telling baptista about v and the dear john letter; him telling me about his hopless crush on his french tutor
once college started, finding out baptista had died; "let it be" coming on, and making me weep in my dorm room
buying my mom a clown music box; one of the first gifts i remember feeling generous about
those summers working as a counselor at a daycamp for mentally handicapped kids had a lot of moments of their own
ms's cramps halfway up the statue of liberty, helpless as she rolled on the floor in agony
noticing how piglike my reflection was in my tuba
pepper flashing her breasts us in mike's frat's basement
visiting mom at her - our - new york apartment, and its view of sunset over the hudson
in that same apartment, clambering over the 19th story roof with an australian visitor -- 'photography isn't about photos. photos never come out right. it's about the *adventure*"
l. standing in thought and her underwear in my dorm room, an inadvertant venus de waldorf
improvising fanfares with the band director john on trumpet as a stalling tactic during commencement
reconnecting with v. in new york city, the ball drop at times square
buying my aunt a great big vase from martha's vineyard to apoogize for making out with a girl in her living room
mom erasing 3,000 i owed her from college as a graduation gift, and the card she made to tell me
a roadtrip to cleveland with r after graduation, going to those gardens with her and mike, lazing in the sun
on the porch of my first apartment with jt, eating pasta and listening to the soundtrack to "the birdcage". this hit me as 'a moment' when i was in that moment
dylan's odd gag of pulling out his work-id-on-a-retracting-spool like he was a pullstring doll that could only say "i love bank boston. i love bank boston"
driving to new york on rainy night, my civic spins out, luckily the truck was a good distance away
buying m. expensive sunglasses, an early token in our relationship
an asian gentleman disarming my clogged traffic road rage on memorial drive by waggling moose antlers
stockpiling jugs of water ahead of y2k, just in case
making a german 7 year old giggle with a terrible "auto-baum" draw and cartoon
design group hanging out upstairs after layoffs
looking down the dark, snow covered road before finishing the walk home; it also registered as one of these moments i wanted to fix in my mind
endless games of "pokemon puzzle league" with eb
working with m. to saw the legs off a table too big to move and restore them; her insecurity, the skepticism of eb
during knowledge transfer when leaving a job, in joking anger i tossed a remote at noor, but hit and hurt him for real.
getting so sunburned this one time with k that my chest was pretty much the same shade as my nipples...
a weird moment of hubris when jz pulled up a game site at work as we were waiting for a compile
the moment of dawning horror realizing the oreo handed to me had actually been pre-licked - my mouthfull response 'wheahs da cweamy fillin'? is a moment providing many laughs for eb in the years since...
the craziness of my first 24 hour comics day; forgoing sleep to tell a story i had wanted to tell for a long while
the first kiss with amber, the electricity and sudden hope - dashed, eventually - of this being the one...
later, a trip to niagara falls, and her nervousness on the oversized ferris wheel there...
that same trip, weeping on my dad's grave
and on the way backcoming to the where the church where i lived in an apartment with my folks was with amber, and seeing the grassy lot
so, those are my moments. some of my moments.
moments, and memories. some researchers think memories aren't so much made but remade; the act of remembering cements and reshapes the neuronic pathways
i guess that's one thing photographs do; become the canonical record, the mold for future remembering. and these comic panels will guide my future memory, I'm sure
is it telling what showed up here? more from my younger days than recently, and my dad shows up more than my mom; i'm not sure what to make of that
i think somehow i want my moments to outlast me; that's why i'm writing this now
it's tough to let go.