A Science Fiction Comedy by Logan Israel
Time: 3575 A.D.
Place: Somewhere in space on the starship Star Pox
Erik Cabett--happy-go-lucky spacer
Zim Horace--older, more experienced spacer
Ork 7AB--ship's computer, weird, likes to scare spacers, smartmouthed
Greenok Ug--alien, green with antennae. Meets Zim and Erik in space
Star Cop Officer--tough space cop who does not trust Zim and Erik
Star Cop Assistant--loyal, strong and silent
Narrator--calming voice explaining weird parts, describes setting
Ghost 1--ghost with white make-up and costume, real dumb
Ghost 2--ghost with gray make-up and costume, real insecure
Ghost 3--ghost with red make-up and costume, real evil and smart
(Curtains closed. Narrator walks out, sits on stool in front of curtain)
N: I'm here to tell you a story about two people who decided to buy a starship. They buy it, and now at this point, they are somewhere in space, slowly drifting at about 10,000 miles per hour.
(Curtains open. Narrator goes backstage.)
(Spaceship interior. Table in center with lots of computer stuff, a small box and a red button. Chairs set at rear of table. Rear wall has a huge computer terminal. All of this is art deco style. Zim is sitting at table with papers. Eris is looking all around, loving the ship they just bought.)
Z: Do you realize how much money this ship cost? I've taken a look at these papers from Honest Harry's Used Starcraft Emporium, and I don't like the part in the contract explaining the "easy credit."
E: What's the matter with it? We got a ship of our very own! I mean, it's probably gonna pay for itself in, oh, about three years.
Z: Oh, yeah? Computer--(interrupted)
O: Computer Ork &AB, model 8, series 9-5, at your service!
Z: Computer, exactly how long is it going to take for this ship to "Pay for itself?"
O: Exactly 1,286 years, 2 months, 21 days, 6 hours, 33 minutes, and 20 seconds --make that 19 seconds. . . no, that's 18 seconds. . .no. . .
Z: Ok, we get the point. Well, hot shot?
E: Well, ok. Maybe this is going to take longer than I thought. But until then, think of all the dates we'll get jockeying around the galaxy in this.
Z: In this? Listen, this is a 12 year old, well used junk heap! Not even air-conditioning!
O: But it has AM FM stereo!
Z: (sarcastically) I'm so-o-o impressed.
E: All right. I agree maybe we should have gotten Honest Harry to shave another hundred galactic dollars off of the price. Any way, what are we going to name it?
Z: How about Rust Bucket?
E: Nah, something with no class, less respect for authority, and that represents our attitude about life.
Z: You mean like dangerous and suicidal?
E: More like, ahhh, let's see. How about star-something? Yeah, I know! Star Pox!
Z: Star Pox? For a starship?
E: Sure, why not?
O: (interrupting) Hey guys, I hate to interrupt you, but scanners indicate something is getting real close to us.
Z: Yeah? What is it?
O: Oh, wow! It looks like a Star Cop.
E: Oh-oh. Ahhh, like get us out of here now.
Z: But why? You haven't done anything illegal, have you? Hmmmm?
E: Well, no, ahhh, ok, yeah, sort of. Ever wonder how I got my half of the money for the Star Pox?
Z: You had better get us out of here fast, Ork!
O: You mean, like, Hyperwarp?
O: I don't know how.
Z: What? You don't know how?
O: Oh yeah, and I suppose you know hyperspace vetrex navigational field warp coordinates?
E: That's not the point!
Z: Yeah, you're the computer. You're supposed to know.
E: Hey, wait a minute. All these ships have a glove compartment somewhere. And what do you always find in glove compartments?
E: No. You find instruction manuals! Start looking. (Zim and Erik search around frantically.)
SCO: (off stage) You're under arrest. We know about the money. You have ten seconds to give up or we have to start getting nasty. Ten. . .nine. . .eight. . .(continues)
Z: Hey, what's this? (staring at box on table) "Break in case of emergency." (Breaks box open, takes out toy laser gun)
Z: All right. It's a zap gun.
SCO Four. . .three. . .two. . .one. . .OK, here we come. (Star Cop Officer and Assistant enter stage right. Both have space guns. Big guns.)
SCO: Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do we have to zap you into little, tiny, fried pieces?
E: (with gun) Not without a fight, cop. (Zim hides behind table. Erik does, too, but with gun ready. Star Cop Officer and Assistant come closer, shifting guns, looking ready to fire. Everyone freezes. Curtains close.)
(Narrator returns, same place, with stool)
N: It was at this time that the writer of this play, realizing that he couldn't finish Act I without a lot of lasers, blood and guts, and other things that make people go out and pay to see "Star Wars," wisely decided to have me come out and say that there was actually no laser battle, and that the officers accepted a small bribe, made up with Zim and Erik, and had a good, hot meal, and everyone thought that they were getting a pretty good deal. However, the Star Cops left before our stars could ask them how to fly the ship. We now return, about two hours later.
Z: I don't believe it. You let them go away without telling us how to fly the ship.
E: Aww, come on. We'll be able to figure it out. Somehow.
O: Hey, guys, guess what? I found another spaceship coming near us!
Z: Oh, great. Star Cop?
O: Nope. Looks alien to me.
E: I wonder what kind?
Z: Hopefully one that knows how to fly a starship.
O: Probably one with buggy eyes, huge antennae and this gigantic mouth with foot-long teeth, that just loves to snack on humans.
E: Thanks a lot, Ork. (Everyone shakes, like the ship was hit.)
Z: What was that?
O: Oh, probably just the alien docking with us and starting to sharpen his teeth into razor-shar points.
(Greenok Ug enters from right with big book.)
GU: Hi, guys. My name is Greenok Ug, and I'm your representative from the Megabook Publishing Company.
E: (to Zim) No foot-long teeth yet.
Z: (to Ug) Do you know Hyperspace vetrex navigational field warp coordinates?
GU: Oh sure! But first, how would you like to have your very own copy of the Encyclopedia Galactica? With full-color three-d pictures it will be a cherished treasure for years to come. Totally computerized, you know.
Z: Hey, tell you what. You show us how to fly the ship, and we'll buy an encyclopedia.
GU: Great! (walks over to table) All you have to do is just push that button.
E: You mean all we had to do was just press that tiny, little button?
GU: Yup. Now, how about these encyclopedias?
E: Yeah, yeah, bill us.
GU: Great idea, sir. The Galactic Encyclopedia Company has its very own E-Z Credit Systems.
Z: Oh, great.
GU: Well, if that's all, I'll be going back to my ship and blasting off. (Puts book down.) That encyclopedia's yours forever. Here's a copy of the E-Z Credit contract. (Exits right.)
E: Well, it taught us how to fly this ship.
GU: (Ug enters right.) Ahh, guys, I seem to be having a little engine trouble. Could I fly with you?
Z: Now hold on! First, I want you to shave a little off of the price of this encyclopedia.
GU: Weeell, ok. Half off?
GU: Where to first?
E: First off, we've got to get you to the garage.
Z: Yeah, I'll just press this button. . .(Everyone shakes again like the ship was hit.)
GU: What was that?
O: Just a meteorite that got past the subspace shields and hit our ship. In fact, it looks like it hit Ug's ship spack-dab. Wow! That ship will never fly again.
GU: Tell you what. I'll give you the encyclopedia for free if we can become shipmates.
E: How much would it have cost full-price.
GU: Including interest?
GU: 2,586,798,000 galactic dollars and 38 cents.
O: Well, guys, where do you want to go?
E: I thought you said you couldn't fly this thing! And you (points to Ug) didn't show us how to set the galactic coordinates.
O: I looked it up in the encyclopedia, dummy.
Z: Well, how about the nearest planet with life on it?
GU: No! We can't go to that planet. . .
O: Sure thing.
(lights flicker and change color)
E: Why can't we go to this planet.
GU: Because it is a ghost planet.
Z: Well, get us out of here.
O: Can't. Engines won't be ready to go for a while. Hey, I'm getting a message on my Subspace radio.
GU: What does it say?
O: You will be visited by three ghosts. . .the ghost of Christmas Past, the ghost of--whoops, wrong play. My mistake. It just says we'll be visited by three ghosts. And they'll probably be the type that can kill at a single glance, and love to snack on humanoids, and. . .
GU: (interrupting) We get the idea, Ork.
Z: Hey, Ug, how did you know our names?
GU: I looked them up in the encyclopedia.
E: But how did you know that we were on this ship?
GU: The encyclopedia's constantly being updated.
(lights flash, then turn off. Ghost 1 enters from left as lights turn on)
GU: We're supposed to be scared by that?
G1: Yeah, I guess so.
E: Well, we aren't.
G1: Well, since you aren't scared, what am I supposed to do?
G1: Guess I'll be seeing you!
(Lights off. Ghost 1 leaves. Lights on.)
Z: That was easy!
O: Yeah, but...
(Lights off again. Ghost 2 enters. Lights on.)
Z: (small voice) Oh, no.
E: That's all you can say? Boo?
G2: Well, I--I'm sorry, I mean, if you want me to say something different. . .
G2: Ahhh, come on. This is my first try at being a ghost. I mean, you don't have to listen to me, but. . .
Z: Just go.
G2: (falling to knees beggin) Please, just pretend to be scared. Please.
Gu: Well, all right. Eek.
O: My microchips are shaking.
Z: Oh, dear, I hope he doesn't hurt us.
E: Oh, please leave us alone.
(Lights off. Ghost 2 leaves. Lights on.)
Z: That was still too easy.
E: You know what they say. . ."Third time's the charm."
(Lights flicker then go off.)
Z: Oh, no! Not again!
(Ghost 3 enters are light come on.)
E: Now how do we get rid of you?
G3: (laughs evilly) Hahahahaha! You don't! I'm really evil.
GU: (to Zim) The other ghosts all said boo.
G3: I don't like ships to be in orbit around my planet.
Z: Oh, yeah? What makes it
G3: Simple. I rule it. And if you don't leave, I can kill you at a single glance.
E: Oh, yeah?
E: (meekly) Ok
O: Hey guys! The Hyperspace engine is ready!
GU: Press the button!
Z: But the ghost will come with us.
GU: No, he won't. Ghosts can't hyperwarp. Press it!
E: Ok, but. . . (presses button)
(Lights change colors like before Ghost 3 looks like he's being thrown off left. Lights stop.)
E: So here we are.
E: Hey, I don't get what happened to the ghost? He just sort of dissapeared.
Gu: Well, ghost molecules are sort of there and sort of not. The HyperWarp engines say they're not. So he didn't come with us. Simple.
Z: (confused) Yeah, simple.
E: Where do you want to go now?
Z: I dunno. I always wanted to see the Nicholas Murray Butler memorial, on Earth.
E: Yeahm and I got to return my cousin's tie (holds it up)
Gu: Here's a map! (pulls out map of Ohio, or something.)
All: Murmur, murmur
(Curtains close, Narrator walks out with stool, sits down.)
N: so Erik, Zim, Greenok, and Ug have wild adventures, meet weird adventures, meet weird creatures, and generally have fun. And that's the end of our play.