ramble regarding romance day 2

Well, for what it's worth, I met Carrie on Match.com. I had spent some time on jewishpersonals.com before that, but I found the smaller number of total people and the more limited population to be, well, limiting.

You're right about the photos; looks like you need a new one. Doesn't need to be exotic, though. Just a good, closer-in photo with decent lighting.

--Max Tue Aug 10 05:44:28 2004

I tried the Internet dating scene two, three years ago. Didn't work for me.

I actually tried the UU dating scene. Didn't work.

I even met a girl on the T. I might've come on too strong.

The college scene had its ups and downs.

I even went to a random party where the prettiest girl who I had thought was already taken pretty much threw herself at me drunkenly at the end of the party, complimenting me on not being all over her during the party like all the other guys. She was a little too drunk, talked too much, and all the other guys were still all over her, though, so I couldn't get her number.

Then I had a humongous house warming party in which a friend of mine invited a bunch of people over. One of those people I ended up hanging out on the back deck with, along with a whole bunch of other people. I overheard that she liked Buffy. After all my experience of trying to get a girl for the previous few years, having an attraction to this girl, I realized that I needed to act quick, so in my drunken state, I said, "Hey. . .you like Buffy? Can I kiss you?" She thought it was cute. She thought I was cute. We're now together for almost two years now.

So Internet dating didn't work for me (actually, I think it had too slow of a pace for me), but the "old fashioned" way of meeting a girl did. I wonder if that means I'm just something of an old-fashioned guy.

--Mr. Lex Tue Aug 10 06:23:34 2004

Heheh, haven't seen much of the UU dating scene at the Arlington UU, at least for their summer series...but still it's nice to plug into the community.

That's a cool story though. I think I remember that party...it also introduced me to Tom Jones' cover of "Burning Down The House".

Still, I'm trying to selectively listen to people who it worked for...which might be a bit delusional, but hey.

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 07:09:48 2004

I know of more than one success story (people I know personally) of internet dating services. The trick is to KNOW what you are looking for, and to be precise and concise, as well as interesting. Then again, as in the above comment, I also know people (my boss) who wouldn't even know where to begin with the web, and met his current fiancee down in Brazil while on vacation. Anything seems worth trying at least once. Because you just never know.

--kluless Tue Aug 10 07:09:57 2004

Ditto the idea about the pics ... try for another one. I always thought church is a great place to meet a match. Good beginning when you have the same basic beliefs. 

Brother Butch, I always have enjoyed the ramblings ... a great look in the mind of a childhood friend!!

Good luck and God Bless!!

--Beau Tue Aug 10 07:12:34 2004

I met my W on match.com. We've been married for 4.5 years now. I also dated a girl before her for about 7 months that I met on an old chat page called PowWow. So, I like the internet dating thingy.

--Harry Tue Aug 10 07:14:44 2004

Beau--like I said, I'm going to UU church. Which doesn't ensure a "compatability of belifs", specifically, though politically we're likely to be on the same end of the spectrum...

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 07:32:04 2004

OK, Baby Face, when you really find someone you get a good vibe from, e-mail me their birthdate (time place and date)along with yours and I'll do some voo doo for you. ha

--B.K. Tue Aug 10 08:46:54 2004

I think in regards to ANY initiating a pontential for dating, it all has to do with having fun, liking yourself, and transmitting that self like without making it a communication of self-centerdness. Along with that, I think it's also a good idea to know what you want, as someone mentioned earlier.

--Mr. Lex Tue Aug 10 09:27:42 2004

Kluless, Lex: Know what you want in terms of charcteristics of the other person, or what kind of relationship you're looking for?

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 09:29:57 2004

Oh. My area of expertise. Well, I prefer Matchmaker.com to match.com; they allow much more flexibility as far as what photos you can put up (Match tends to either reject pictures they just don't like or crop every picture to a head shot), I liked the interface better and I found it to be more customizable as far as search capability. Match is ok, though, and has some nice features.

Speed dating seems fun, and is fun, but I've been 3 times (that's 24 dates) and ended up going out with 1 person once. So, for me, it hasn't worked out, but it is interesting. be prepared to take advantge of the between and after date mingling, as often there are interesting women who you don't get a date with as part of the evening.

My brother got married to someone he met online, as did another of our friends, and I met someone who has beocme a close friend, so it is certainly worth the effort.

--Scott Tue Aug 10 11:20:37 2004

Do you think Matchmaker.com has the population of participants relative to Match? There are a lot of services out there, and you'd think there'd be a snowball-effect, where once a service starts to get known for having more people, it attracts more people in a kind of virtuous cycle.

I didn't realize match.com did so much meddling with the photos. I guess that's some of what you're paying for, the referees or whatever to make sure things stay nice...

(Oh, and it probably goes without saying, but if anyone has a brilliant idea for a blind date for me, I'd be open to something like that these days, why not...)

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 11:32:13 2004

Have you ever thought about rekindling with an exgirlfriend and what that might be like? Things may have changed with a few of the 23 on your biography list? Do you know what any of them are up to currently? I know I hit it off with my exgirlfriend after 14 years of being apart and now we're married.

--Peter Tue Aug 10 15:01:54 2004

Heheheh.

Lessee...some of the people on that list were just crushes I had, and an even larger number were highschool or earlier, and so generally back in Cleveland.

I have very good and rewarding friendships with 3 of my more significant exes, all of whom are happily married.

It's a cool thought though.

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 15:16:44 2004

I'm thinking characteristics of the other person. I figure the relationship will become what it becomes and has something of an unpredictable life of its own. Nonetheless, I do prefer a significant other that listens, makes their opinion known, and believes in something of consensus decision making (which, I guess, should be easy for a two person thing), even though there comes times when a take charge attitude has its uses, too. But nonetheless, I think the characteristics of the other person kinda leads to the type of relationship, but not necessarily. Or something vague like that.

--Mr. Lex Tue Aug 10 15:53:02 2004

Kirk...as a single person myself, I feel your pain about how to date. It is harder than I thought. I, however, am enjoying the time I have had single (13 months and going strong). Sure, I secretly relish the dream of falling in love with a person and starting a family -- I am human. But, I have found this year to be too valuable to me and my personal growth. I suggest that you give it a year of being single and creating new networks of friends and interests and see where that goes. Then try online. If I met someone online who was very recently divorced and already putting out serious feelers for dating, I would red flag them. But, that is just me. And, I think the new frames are cool, as well as the hair -- it is the decade of the geek (thank god for that -- I am a big dork), but the shirt and the lighting are not so good. I think the idea of having some pics taken at a gathering or spcific local would be better. Wear a solid color, preferably without a button-up collar -- unless you want to iron (like a nice pima cotton summer-weight sweater or a white tee beneath the botton-up). My first thought was -- how adorable, but the shirt and the mugshot background threw me off.

--Rhetoric Tue Aug 10 16:07:16 2004

Hey Rhet--
That might not be a terrible idea. It's the insecurity that's driving this, along with an urge to keep up with Mo somehow I think. I guess I wouldn't be that much less of a comodity at 31 then at 30, especially if it put more distance from the divorce...

Thanks for the specific advice re: the photos...though this very mean kneejerk defensive part wants to say "no wonder she hasn't had any luck in a year, look at the way she picks on guy's shirts!"

(Please take that with a HUGE grain of salt...if I haven't known you so long from the Blender I might feel bad about joshin' ya like that...)

--Kirk Tue Aug 10 17:41:12 2004

hey kirk, i second rhet in all aspects. i've been single for 10 yrs now and only now really beginning the dating scene. like rhet, a man 'on the prowl' so soon post divorce red flags you as either desperate or not hurting over the loss of your marriage which then brings up commitment issues. maybe i'm reaching, but, that is what deep thinkers do. 

the BEST thing you can do for yourself is give yourself some time to find who you are. this can only be accomplished outside of a relationship of any kind. as for keeping up with mo... maybe this is harsh and maybe even off base, but, i think she has a rebound thing going on. those usually don't and won't last.

i've tried the internet dating thing and had 3 very very miserable experiences with less than honest people (they presented themselves as something reality put a lie to). be prepared for that. i decided to try one more time on eharmony after i've been told recently (and coincidentally by folks that don't know each other) by several people of successful matches. we'll see.

have also done the speed dating. it was fun and an evening out with many people. only resulted in one lunch date. and that was ok too. the best thing is i met some single female friends to give me a social group to hang with. all of my female friends are either married (unhappily) or in committed relationships. although not what i went for, this was the bonus.

good luck and don't be in such a hurry.

--aparajita Tue Aug 10 21:51:22 2004

sorry: with regards to the pics. i don't trust any man who asks for my pic before he will take the time to get to know me. 

--aparajita Tue Aug 10 21:56:05 2004

REBOUND!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

--Mr. Lex Wed Aug 11 06:03:31 2004

Heh.

Aparajita, it's a good point.

Though I remember, a few months ago, I was reading a book, "How To Heal The Hurt By Hating". And the title is more or less a joke, but I think one of my coworkers took it seriously, and he mentioned that "the best revenge is living well". And if that's true, isn't there a reasonable definition of living well that involves the kinds of companionship you get from romance? I dunno. I think I'm already too introspective...

but there might be some reasons not to go galloping out towards this.

Mo sounds reasonably happy for the meantime.,,

--Kirk Wed Aug 11 07:54:16 2004

yeah, but, 'living well' that you get from a romance or relationship that is contrived just to avoid some of the lonelies is just, well, contrived. being old fashioned, i have to believe that romance and relationships are supposed to happen without us humans being desperate, needy, and like a bull in a china shop searching. and, never ever should we go searching until we are complete and whole. otherwise, all we will be offering to a new relationship is less than what it deserves, so therefore doomed and destined for someone's heart to break.

companionship is great and wonderful (as i remember it, ha). friendships are most definately the way to go. yet, your motives seem to be for more than companionship. since mo has a bonafide relationship you are wanting the same? that is neither fair to you, nor will it be fair to another lady. 

--aparajita Wed Aug 11 08:11:58 2004

I have to agree with Rhet regarding the shirt comments. Fact is, like it or no, the women who look at your picture are going to be judging you, many of them probably trying to assess the probability of you being some sort of sociopath or not (call me paranoid, but that would be my primary concern with internet dating).  So slap on an undershirt and a properly ironed collared shirt, thus avoiding the "I've just thrown on a shirt I found on the floor" look, and put your best foot forward right out of the gate! 

--Sarah Wed Aug 11 08:58:17 2004

Jeez, does the shirt look that bad?

I dunno. Dressing up for pictures always makes me worry that I'm gonna look like I'm trying to hard.

--Kirk Wed Aug 11 09:14:31 2004

Yeah, from what I've heard, girls like a tidy, sharp guy who doesn't look or act like a sociopath, but then again, everyone's got their judgments as to what does and doesn't fit into these categories, right?

As for the healing part, I read an article that it's best not to dwell on an issue but rather to distract yourself by doing things that engage you. Thus, to take a more psychological/scientific view of the rebound relationship vs. "authentic" relationship, is it possible that the rebound relationship could be a form of dwelling on the subject (even though it probably is very possible that a rebound relationship can turn into an "authentic" relationship).

Later.

--Mr. Lex Wed Aug 11 09:14:54 2004

I'm not suggesting that you put on a suit and go pose for a Glamour Shot or anything... wear whatever shirt you like... just iron the thing so you don't look like a helpless rube! Not that you looked like a helpless rube mind you. What is a rube anyway? No matter... an ironed shirt isn't going to make you look like you are trying too hard... it probably won't even be registered by the viewer... but an unironed shirt stands a greater chance of being noticed and thus making the viewer wonder if you just picked it up off the floor where it was lying next to your last mutilated victim! You see what I am saying?

--Sarah Wed Aug 11 11:22:54 2004

Do you think the acting of photographing makes it worse? Like, is the flopness of the collar likely that bad in person? I mean who wants to iron all their damn shirts all the damn time?

I used to think v-neck Ts looked somehow more sophisticated than round neck...after all, t-shirts with stuff printed on them are always round-neck. But I guess I can see your point.

What's funny is when you see some really stupid cartoon or whatever underneath some guy's white shirt, when they don't use a proper undershirt just a goofy T.

--Kirk Wed Aug 11 12:27:00 2004

Comment on the pics: I honestly like the old hair better. No reason or anything, just personal preference.

But between the mug shots and the desk shots, I like the desk shots better. They look less posed and more relaxed, kinda like someone was like, "Hey!" and had a camera in hand.

Maybe you should try Hotornot.com for meeting people. It's kinda interesting & has a good amount of predetermined shallowness going on. Heh heh. (Not saying your shallow, but I believe that it may make the initial joking and flirting a little easier by making fun of the Hotornot.com process).

--Mr. Lex Wed Aug 11 14:49:03 2004

Jimminy crickets, hotornot???

Actually i do know one guy who used like match.com but had his main picture at hotornot which he would refer people to...maybe he got the best of both worlds, the semi-non-shallowness of match.com along with the jokes about the hotornot...

Heh, almost 30 comments this day (Tuesday). Wednesday is feeling SO jealous...

--Kirk Wed Aug 11 15:28:12 2004

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