From the April-May 1982 "The Wittenburg Door".
(#66, "The Lifestyle Issue", with a bible circle praying in a hot tub.)
By Wayne Rice
With contributions from Erik Nelson, Mark Yaconelli,
Joseph Slecove, and Steve Taylor.

The Wittenburg Door (now just "The Door") was a Christian Humor magazine. I thought it always did a good job of satirizing parts of the church that needed it, and it had some good interviews as well... I've had this one issue for the longest time, just because of this feature.
Deposit quarter and get ready for some super soul-winning action. Tract-man will appear on the screen armed with three different inspiring "Chick" tracts: "What if you should be run over by a steam roller tonight?", "Turn or Burn: God's Eternal Barbecue", and "The Pope is a Dope". Your job is to witness to five fleeing pagans who run for their lives. You can pick up extra speed by crossing one of the four "Pentecost Power Pills" TM located in the corners of the maze. When a pagan is overtaken by Tract-man, he will be automatically converted. You will then hear the sounds of angels rejoicing, and the pagan will return to home base where he will be issued a leisure suit and be forced to listen to Reba Rambo records for the rest of the game.

In this game, you control a minister who is trying to gain upward mobility while attempting to avoid worldly temptation and sins of the flesh which move in front of him across the screen, threatening to ruin his ministry. You must maneuver the Reverend to safety through the approaching women who think he's macho, bags of money, vodka martinis, cocaine dealers, gay choir directors, porno films, and decks of playing cards (Baptist version only). You get three tries, but if you fail, your minister is "defrocked" and must begin a new career as an Amway distributor.

Here's a true to life action-packed war game that pits you, a born again Biblical inerrantist, against dangerous neo-orthodox modernist liberals who are out to destroy God's Word, the King James Bible. To succeed, you must take the offensive and locate potential enemies roaming the field of battle which unfolds before your eyes in exciting 3-D realism! Remember: the key to this game is to aim and fire quickly. Don't give the opposition a chance to defend itself or you could be made to look pretty dadgum foolish. GOOD LUCK!

Insert $50 for each game, or $250 for the entire series of six games. You control the hero of the game--Dr. James Dobson who will appear in the center of the screen. Your mission as Dr. Dobson is to protect and save the last American family from extinction. Behind your podium, you hurl clever one-liners and humorous anecdotes at enemies of the family who will be attack all from all sides. Enemies include such hideous monsters as humanists, pop psychologists who disagree with you, drug dealers, attractive secretaries, milkmen, and film distributors who are late sending your royalty checks. Win or lose, you are guaranteed to get rich in this game.

In this game, you get to be the famous Christian seminar leader Bill Gothard. Insert 25 cents, unless of course you are an "alumni", in which case you probably don't want to play anyway. As Bill, you must defend your multimillion dollar ministry from being devoured by the Seven Deadly Sintipedes slithering down the screen. You shoot at them with beams of light from your overhead projector, but if you miss, the sintipede divides and becomes harder to hit. To make matters worse, a spider who is also a reporter for Christianity Today magazine hovers near by, taking the whole thing down. If you win the game, you record your name on the screen, which brings you an impersonal birthday card every year for the rest of your life.

Deposit a quarter and wait for your "call". You have one second to hit the "accept" button and begin play. As pastor, you must successfully defend yourself against an onslaught of attacking parishioners. Begin by neutralizing the slow moving elders, deacons, and committee chairmen. Then as the tension builds, take on the harder to hit charismatics and denominational powermongers. Score 10,000 points and look out for the "Invisible Church Member" who can do you in even though you can't see him. Three misses and the church splits. Win the game and you get to add an educational wing and move up to a bigger church.

Insert your token and you'll see Adam and Eve who are about to be evolved into bananas by the angry monkey at the top. You must take quick action. You are a dedicated Christian Creationist at the bottom of the screen who must carefully climb the archaeological ladder and rescue the desperate couple up above. You must avoid secular humanists, textbooks, barrels of supposedly prehistoric fossils, evil paleontologists, and the entire United States Supreme Court. When the going gets tough, just press the "lawsuit" button which allows you to jump over obstacles and make it to the top. If after three tries you are unsuccessful, stop playing this game and move to game entitled "Christian School".

In this cosmic thriller, you have a chance to become the anticipated deilverer of God's chosen people--the "King of the Jews". You command your messiah as he defends five Jewish cities (Jerusalem, New York, Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and Miami Beach) from attack by deadly bolts of light that originate from neo-Nazi, pro-Arab terrorists above. If your messiah succeeds, his next assignment is to take over Lebanon, the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Wheaton. If you are unsuccessful, however, your messiah must open up a jewelry store in Manhattan while the cities wait for another messiah to try.

Insert 12 quarters for six games. Wait for first game to start. If nothing happens, kick machine. Still nothing? Sorry, but you got took. Insert another 12 quarters. Wait again. It may start this time, but it'll be a little late. Now push button which reads "One Prayer" or "Two Prayers". Wait a minute. That should read "Players" not "Prayers". Who proofread this game, anyway? Now begin play. Halfway through the game, decide that it is shallow, tasteless, and crude. Write a letter to the attendant demanding cancellation of the rest of the game.

In this exciting game, you control the last three "true" Christians on earth--Francis Shaeffer, Jack Sparks, and Michael Warnke. They must take on, one at a time, an entire army of false teachers and cult leaders marching down on them in formation, threatening to wipe out the historic Christian faith. Begin by shooting down the dancing Hare Krishnas, the Moonies (dropping flowers on you), and the Mormons (on bicycles). Then look out for the 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses, the Scientologists, and the Possibility Thinkers! Be especially prepared for the prancing T.V. evangelist in the pink suit who comes swooping down on you trying to stick his finger in your ear. Score 666 and the screen lights up indicating "Rapture!". Your dead heroes will rise to fight again, and who knows--you may wind up playing this game for a millenium.

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