❮❮prevnext❯❯

I had a therapist for ten years, then moved off after feeling we'd grown about as far as we were going to, and noting that I was probably mostly looking for paternal-ish approval (stuff that I can't get organically, with my own dad having died over 30 years before.)

My therapist retired, but still works with some of his old clients in a somewhat less formal way, and I've taken up ever other week sessions.

He says I should be more "libidinous". Putting aside the sexual aspect of it (though I guess that's a part of it), I see it as reflecting what they say in Taoism, where they label energies masculine and feminine, the former being more proactive, the latter being more receptive. Putting aside the gendered aspect of it, and using the same introspective framework I've found helpful, I see it as a call for doing more a bit for my own wants, putting aside my deeply ingrained habit of doing what the group thinks is best or most prefers (with my preferences being part of the group).

It's tough, because thinking of the group first is part of my integrity as person. Doing otherwise feels a bit greedy for me... and tbh I kind of wish more folks in the world were group-first in their mentality - more interested in using reason to figure out what really is true in objective reality, more involved with polling what other individuals in the group think and why - especially when there's a good-will difference of opinion and interpretation.

Anyway.

I'm struck by how shifting moods are. I have a ton of things to be nervous about, and sometimes I'm miserable and sometimes I'm sanguine. But usually there's no particular reason why my mood shifts - maybe I get triggered by some fleeting external reminder, maybe the mood just happens. And I have some control over the mood, by changing focus. Which i guess is akin to what some folks do with doom-scrolling and other distractions. Though my therapist, and some others, would seem to argue that it's not good to be blasé about everything. But I guess I feel equanimity is a worthwhile goal and as long as you don't totally undercut your efforts to make the situation better via acceptance, maybe we SHOULD be less attached to the outcomes we're hoping for.

---

Harold Parker State Forest