i guess there was a mix up in communication that night.
maybe not too surprising, i guess. chaos runs amuck. (and if
you've ever had someone run *your* muck, you know how painful
*that* can be.) (sorry)
i feel like there's so much i want to say. there's this
awful stab of emotion that gets forced back in on itself when i read
what you write to me.
goddamn, i don't know what to write. i wish i did. i've been
sitting at this fucking keyboard for half an hour, trying to think
of what i could say that
jesus, i don't even know what it is that i'm trying to say.
remember that note i showed you before, the one i copied off
of that one loveletter by this 12-year old? maybe i'd want to capture
that sense of anxiety, of overwhelming feeling, feeling so strong
sometimes you're not sure what it is, but it's tackled you completely,
thrown you down full force
i feel like so much was lost last winter. that might be a dramatic
misconception, i don't know. but in every every relationship i've
been in, i've always worked and worked to keep them as open as
possible, which is why it kills so much to see ours ended the way it
was. i finally figured out what it was like, though. packing
everything, i found a t-shirt way behind the bunkbeds. it was one
marnie had given me, cute, all the disney bad guys, i hadn't seen it
for months, like since september. but i had forgotton about it, it
had never hit me that anything was missing, so it wasn't 'til it was
too late that i realized there was something to be missed. that
incident didn't cost me too much though, just not being able to wear
one shirt. for right or wrong, i feel like that with you i'm missing
so why am i writing you that? it's nothing new. quite
possibly it's missing the point. but jesus, what should i have done
different? i dunno. probably alot. more than i would know.
i found some pages from a diary i started back in tenth grade.
(around the recovery point from my dork phase) (maybe not such a
wonderful recovery) i guess i've always fallen too fast and too hard.
(cheesy innuendos aside) i purposefully tried to avoid that with you
and failed miserably. sometimes it seemed like the only person i've
had a succesful relationship with and still avoided that is marnie.
(and that's what does bother me most about that relationship)
christ i miss being able to call you boo'ful.
there's so much i want to say but can't now.
This one took place a number of months after the "silent conversations".
We broke up after I got a fever blister (been having them since I was
very young.) I think she was upset that I hadn't mentioned it before,
possibly putting her at risk. (I hadn't had one for a year or so prior