ape expectations

(4 comments)
June 4, 2010
A classic routine of Bob Newhart's:
Hello, Mr. Nelson. This is Sam Hennessy, the new guard. Sir, I hate to bother you at home like this on my first night, but, uh, something's come up and it's not covered in the guard's manual... Yeah, I looked in the index, yes, sir. I looked under unauthorized personnel and people without passes and apes and apes' toes...Apes and apes' toes, yes, sir. There's an ape's toe sticking through the window, sir... See, this isn't your standard ape, sir. He's between eighteen and nineteen stories high, depending on whether there is a thirteenth floor or not... Sir, I'm sure there's a rule against apes shaking the building... There is, yes, sir. So I yelled at his feet. I said, "Shoo, ape," and "I'm sorry but you are going to have to leave."... I know how like the new men to think on their feet, so I went to the broom closet and I got out a broom without signing out a requisition on it... I will tomorrow, yes sir... And I started hitting him on the toes with it. It didn't bother him much... See, there are these planes and they are flying around and shooting at him and they only seem to be bothering him a little bit, so I figured I wasn't doing too much good with a broom. Did I try swatting him in the face with it? Well, I was going to take the elevator up to his head, but my jurisdiction only extends to his navel. You don't care what I do... just get the ape off the building. This may complicate things a little--he's carrying a women in his hand, sir... No, I don't think she works in the building, no, sir... As he passed by my floor... she has kind of a negligee on, so I doubt very much she's one of the cleaning women. Well, sir, the first thing I did was I filled out a report on it. Well, I don't want to give the building a bad name either, sir, but I doubt very much if we can cover it up, sir. The planes are shooting at him, and people are going to come to work in the morning and some of them are going to notice the ape in the street and the broken window, and they will start putting two and two together. I think we're safe on that score, sir. I doubt very much if he signed the book downstairs. You don't care what I do... just get the ape off the building. Well, I came up with one idea. I thought maybe I could smear the Chrysler Building with bananas...

Can barely believe the downpour I was caught in last evening. Ran 100 yards and got drenched through. Forgot rain can work like that.
"[Books] are sad as zeppelins are sad; they wish to soar, but they are using a technology that is old, largely forgotten, and highly flammable."
--John Hodgman, introduction to "The McSweeney's Joke Book of Book Jokes"
My secret unlikely hope for a WWDC announcement: GarageBand for iPad. (I'd be happy for some other roughly equivalent app...)