Anxiety of the Moment
Despite the wonder of these sunglasses, I feel a little down. I'm reading Prozac Highway, a very realistic story about a performance artist struggling with depression, connecting with a support group e-mailing list. Sometimes between my anxiety attacks and just feeling blue (and reading about it sets up some sympathetic vibrations I imagine) I wonder if I have some minor level of mental illness. Very minor, and I'm able to use rationality as a kind of med. Sometimes I think I'd like to talk to some kind of psychiatrist, not because I really think I need the help, I just need someone to say "yeah, you do have a touch of it (whatever condition 'it' is), but you're coping ok." Someone who will be impressed with my mortality guide as a form of coping.
I guess today had a couple of weird things.
- First I saw a copy of "Worth" magazine that talked about all this longevity technologies. The idea that there might be some new things on the horizon, but I might miss out on them, is depressing. I'm able to convince myself that mortality's ok, but it's one thing to think it (an important thing) and another to really feel it deepdown. I'm getting there though. (Sometimes it seems dangerous to to be able to cope with mortality. If I ever got really depressed, I've lost some of my instinctual dread of taking my own life. Note to loved ones: I have no such plans! Don't worry.)
- After taking the photos for the Rollens pic, comparing them to some pix from high school, I wonder if I am balding after all, and if I should do something about that. Oy. I've always had thin hair and a far back hairline, so it's hard to know for certain, but I've probably just been in some level of denial all this time.
- My computer's acting up.
- I feel like I'm not getting stuff done.
- The month is kind of slipping by. Not too bad. I have this journal and another diary journal, so I can track the time. I know what happened the first 20 days of this month! Groundhog day was a long time ago! Still, it's one thing to know that and one thing to really live it flat out.
- I'm worried about how long of this 'blog journal my 8meg Palm pilot's going to be able to hold. Which was one of the main reasons why I let myself get the dang thing!