October 24, 2009
Yesterday tooling around with Amber and EB we got to thinking about old dirty jokes we liked as kids... Here are the two I remember telling most often in middle school and high school- MOMFILTER engaged, highlight to read:
So a newly married couple can't afford a hotel and they're staying at the groom's parents' house. The bride doesn't want to because she thinks his folks are snoops, but he convinces her to anyway. That night, though, the new bride says "I can't stand this. I know your parents are listening in. I don't care what it costs, lets go to a hotel." The guy reluctantly agrees, and they go to close up their overstuffed suitcase - but it won't shut. "Ok, let me try getting on top" she says, but the bag won't shut. "This isn't working," she says, frustrated, "you get on top." Still, no luck. "Jeez, ok, lets both get on top." Voice from behind the door: "now this I got to see!"
Ok, another newlywed couple. The guy is older and more experienced, and the young bride is really nervous. Plus they're having to honeymoon at her parent's house. "It's fine, dear - I'll wait downstairs. If you have any questions or problems, just come downstairs and ask me". So the girl says ok. That night, after the long wedding, they're in the bedroom, and the guy takes off his shirt. The girl runs downstairs - "Mama mama, he's got hair all over the top of his body!" "That's ok dear, Men are like that. Go back upstairs." So she does. Then the guy takes off his pants. Gal runs downstairs "Mama mama he's got hair all over the bottom of his body!" "That's totally normal dear, men are like that, go back upstairs." Now this guy, he also had a prosthetic leg, and he starts to take it off. She runs downstairs "Mama mama, he's got a foot and a half!" "You stay down here, I'M going upstairs!"
Ok, newlyweds again, but they're staying at a hotel. This time it's the guy who's nervous and he goes to his friend, "Look what if I don't know what to do?". "No problem pal... I'll wait outside the room -- any question you got, just yell and I'll yell back." So ok, but the guy's still really nervous, and he spends like hours in the bathroom fretting and stuff. But the woman REALLY has to go to the bathroom, keeps knocking, but he won't come out. So she finds the shoebox her wedding shoes came in and goes in that. Finally he comes out, and now she goes in to freshen up before anything happens. So he's pacing around the room, and finds the box, and opens it, and yells "There's shit in the box!" And his friend yells back "Turn her over!"
I can't believe how dorky they were, and in retrospect, how much they reflect the insecurities and wonder I had about the unknown world of sex at that age...
So before that age, my family had another, more innocent joke. It was from a jokebook I had, and for some reason my family decided to put it to a little tune:
Of course, the all time classic still remains the one the dad taught me a bit after that one, so either of us could set it up and have the other answer: "Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?" "Yeah, he worked it out with a pencil!"