Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil!
Alice and Bob were walking in the woods when a snarling tiger jumped out in front of them.--Mark Eichenlaub, graduate student in physics
Alice bent down and starting changing into running shoes.
"Why are you doing that?" asked Bob. "You can't outrun a tiger."
"I don't have to out..." said Alice before the tiger sank its razor-sharp death teeth into the soft flesh around her jugular. It takes at least a minute to change shoes, and the tiger was only, oh, let's say 20 meters away to begin with.
Then the tiger killed Bob, too. Not because it was hungry. Just because it lived for the moment when it saw the life go out of its victims' eyes.
Moral: Tigers are nature's perfect killing machine. By the time you see one, it's already too late.
atheists in hiding in America. People don't want to know that you don't have to take things on faith.
It's an atheist straw man argument to say having faith means you have to accept any horrible things done for faith, but you do have to admit something judges horribleness, and that something needs to stand outside and ultimately have precedence over faith. Which would be blasphemy.
Over a year later and this nearly jokeless cartoon of Einstein thinking "What the Fart?" still amuses me.
http://debbiespenditnow.com -- most obnoxious political attack page, most fun scrolling up and down HTML5!
I'd like to believe that I'd know and love "Sam & Dave" even if they weren't what the Blues Brothers had on their car's 8-track.
So a newly married couple can't afford a hotel and they're staying at the groom's parents' house. The bride doesn't want to because she thinks his folks are snoops, but he convinces her to anyway. That night, though, the new bride says "I can't stand this. I know your parents are listening in. I don't care what it costs, lets go to a hotel." The guy reluctantly agrees, and they go to close up their overstuffed suitcase - but it won't shut. "Ok, let me try getting on top" she says, but the bag won't shut. "This isn't working," she says, frustrated, "you get on top." Still, no luck. "Jeez, ok, lets both get on top." Voice from behind the door: "now this I got to see!"
Ok, another newlywed couple. The guy is older and more experienced, and the young bride is really nervous. Plus they're having to honeymoon at her parent's house. "It's fine, dear - I'll wait downstairs. If you have any questions or problems, just come downstairs and ask me". So the girl says ok. That night, after the long wedding, they're in the bedroom, and the guy takes off his shirt. The girl runs downstairs - "Mama mama, he's got hair all over the top of his body!" "That's ok dear, Men are like that. Go back upstairs." So she does. Then the guy takes off his pants. Gal runs downstairs "Mama mama he's got hair all over the bottom of his body!" "That's totally normal dear, men are like that, go back upstairs." Now this guy, he also had a prosthetic leg, and he starts to take it off. She runs downstairs "Mama mama, he's got a foot and a half!" "You stay down here, I'M going upstairs!"
Ok, newlyweds again, but they're staying at a hotel. This time it's the guy who's nervous and he goes to his friend, "Look what if I don't know what to do?". "No problem pal... I'll wait outside the room -- any question you got, just yell and I'll yell back." So ok, but the guy's still really nervous, and he spends like hours in the bathroom fretting and stuff. But the woman REALLY has to go to the bathroom, keeps knocking, but he won't come out. So she finds the shoebox her wedding shoes came in and goes in that. Finally he comes out, and now she goes in to freshen up before anything happens. So he's pacing around the room, and finds the box, and opens it, and yells "There's shit in the box!" And his friend yells back "Turn her over!"
I can't believe how dorky they were, and in retrospect, how much they reflect the insecurities and wonder I had about the unknown world of sex at that age...
So before that age, my family had another, more innocent joke. It was from a jokebook I had, and for some reason my family decided to put it to a little tune:
Of course, the all time classic still remains the one the dad taught me a bit after that one, so either of us could set it up and have the other answer: "Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?" "Yeah, he worked it out with a pencil!"
Joke of the Moment
This one was one of my favorites from childhood. I had it memorized, and people would be impressed when I'd recite it quickly:
Why are fire engines red?
Books are read. Magazines are read, too. Two plus two is four. Four times three is twelve. Twelve inches on a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ship at sea. Little fishes swim in sea. Little fishes have fins. Finns fought the Russians. Russians are called "Reds". Fire Engines are always rushin'. That's why fire engines are red.
Nostalgia of the Moment
That joke reminds me... I wanted to be a Fire Fighter when I was a kid, at least for a short while. (And I was curious about the difference between the term "fire man" and "fire fighter".)
At some point I wanted to be President as well. During that time, I got a letter from an Uncle who I had never talked to, and he said "So, do you want to President yet?" I was amazed! How did he know that??
I suspect W. has gone through something similar, only it lasted even longer.
Quote of the Moment
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.