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15 years ago today I wrote:

You know, I wish they DID make "liquid courage" except it didn't make you drunk, just a bit braver.

I'm still looking for that - like maybe something to control my need to stand up and walk around while working at home when even the smallest obstacle or insecurity arises.

But I realized I think I can get some of the liquid courage in the form of music; I think back in the shared office workspace days I'd use headphones a lot, and I think that can do a lot to calm my inner kids.

Though I hate that the very best form of that is my "psyched!" playlist - the 55 high energy (and now almost painfully familiar) songs there has more focus power than shuffling all 4500 songs in my collection.

On the one hand I'm glad to have re-discovered this life hack. On the other hand I kind of resent having to use it vs just being able to always muscle through everything through force of will. (And it also makes me think, what am I missing out on being able to do because I lack knowledge for a corresponding life hack for it.)

And it feels funny to try to sense it working in action... it's kind of like I can get myself to groove/dance along to the music via gettin' things done...

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You know, actually thinking about that... I'm not 100% sure we are on average better off than our Paleolithic band-society group ancestors. But in all these life spans, whether "superpowered" like we are today or just hanging around hunting gathering and relaxing with the crew, there are a lot of pleasures to be had. What are the tritest yet probably kind of profound expressions you know? I was just thinking of
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
(Attributed sometimes to Dr. Seuss but that is suspect.) The version Marvel cribbed from Seneca the Younger "Every journey has an end" sounds a little less corny.

And I'd put the Serenity Prayer ("God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference") there too.

I think all of these - hokey as they might be - get to one of the two central points of Buddhism, acceptance and non-attachment.

Its been pointed out to be that I focus a bit too much on that point, and maybe not enough on the other point of compassion. I guess one too well-worn phrase for that is "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".

All those AA/12-step slogans that people put on bumper stickers--"Easy Does It", "One Day At A Time".

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If there's wet dreams then there's probably wet nightmares

A few ideas I've had banging around in my head, but I'm not sure I can get to where I want to go in terms of expressing myself. Like, I'm putting in terms of religion, but really it's all about morality and the epistemology of how on earth we deal with competing views of the truth

For starters: Some people see Atheism vs Faith as a spectrum, with agnosticism in the mushy middle (Fig A)

But what's critical to understand is there's a swerve. Strong atheism and strong faith share a kind of certainty. Agnosticism - whether of Socrates's sense of "the question is complex and life is short" or the more militant idea of "we REALLY can't KNOW this but it's CRUCIAL we keep trying" - is a different beast. (Fig 2)

So what caused my crisis of faith as a teen was pondering on how many different firmly held and incompatible faiths there were in the world. Like, they CAN'T all be true in the sense that many of them claim to be completely and UNIVERSALLY true! So we get something like Fig 3:

So, there's the "existential" approach to resolving this conundrum - there's no absolute truth, everyone is entitled to define their own truth. You see this with cold french philosophers and more warmly with people who talk about "My Truth" (Fig 4)

One attempt to get around this dilemma is to figure that the truth is emergent, or the kind of "many paths" approach favored by New England Unitarian Universalists. If you turn from religious faith to morality, you can get a sense of "morality is the consensus of what people say is moral" (Fig 5)



In the end, I find those unsatisfying. Maybe I'm too influenced by the omnipotent, omniscient God of my youth - (the idea of there being a "view from God's Throne, even if I'm not sure anyone or anything actually has a butt in that chair) - but I guess in the end I'm stuck with something like Fig 6 - there's The Truth, but it is uncertain, and we compare notes with others to try to get a more likely guess as to its contents. (And the kind of "special revelation" that many religions are founded on is EXTREMELY suspect.) Other folk have a hard time getting how deeply this strident uncertainty drives me. It is the fundamental theme of my life.

Like I've commented before, this view makes me both more empathetic (I do not overvalue my best guesses and preferences over others) and less empathetic (I am not inclined to respect how much credence others put in their faiths and preferences.) It also makes me inclined to put what's good for a group ahead of my personal desires... the overarching desire to be good for the group and thus closer to what's good overall trumps my smaller preferences, though in healthy groups what the group wants takes my preferences into account.

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I am sitting at my kitchen table waiting for my lover to arrive with lettuce and tomatoes and rum and sherry wine and a big floury loaf of bread in the fading sunlight. Coffee is percolating gently, and my mood is mellow. I have been very happy lately, just wallowing in it selfishly, knowing it will not last very long, which is all the more reason to enjoy it now. I suppose life always ends badly for almost everybody. We must have long fingers and catch at whatever we can while it is passing near us.

I'd be tempted to buy a copy but it doesn't seem to be available in digital format.

I do like the journal form. I thought Carrie Fisher's and Lena Dunham's were especially good. Any recommendations? Some more scans from my notebook in 1992, when I was visiting Marcos in Portugal.

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Huh - Pica-Pic used to be the number one place for LCD Game emulation, but now the Internet Archive has picked up the mantle with in-browser playable games! LCD Games are such a charming little part of game history. (UPDATE: Here's some fun emulations of LCD games. Mario's Cement Factory is especially good.) I liked this Adult Wednesday Addams bit- asides such as "My parents are despicable monsters. ...and I'm grateful for that..." are pitch perfect to the original.
On whether he'd ever considered joining the Communist Party:

"Not at any time. I've never joined any organization--not even the ones I've organized myself. I prize my own independence too much. And philosophically, I could never accept any rigid dogma or ideology, whether it's Christianity or Marxism. One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as "that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you're right." If you don't have that, if you think you've got an inside track to absolute truth, you become doctrinaire, humorless and intellectually constipated. The greatest crimes in history have been perpetrated by such religious and political and racial fanatics, from the persecutions of the Inquisition on down to Communist purges and Nazi genocide.

--Saul Alinsky, author of "Rules for Radicals" (emphasis mine)

Jokes (48 Incredibly Short, Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny.) http://www.dadgum.com/halcyon/ - hadn't thought about these great interviews with early video game designers for a long time... also I really dig their editor James Hague's programming blog, http://prog21.dadgum.com/

The eagle that hears the whizz of an arrow as it strikes its heart sees that the arrow has been feathered with its own plumes.

Boston's Seaport area feels a lot like the city from an open sandbox videogame. Finite size, bounded by water and bridges, sparse but diverse buildings on a rather square layout.

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Don't be a jerk, Amazon. My hopes for the game "Saints Row IV" were even higher when I heard about plans for a "Dub Step Gun". I mentioned that to my housemate and he showed me this.
--New England as seen in the Atlas of True Names that displays the etymological roots of places, and makes everything feel a bit more like Tolkien's maps of Middle Earth.

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--More fun with American currency
--Chiranjeevi - Finest Tractor Warrior of this or any time. (via)

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RIP Martin Gardner! Mathematics will seem that much less recreational...

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http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/lost/index.html - awesome who's who on Lost, including the 75% of ensemble now dead...

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*achoo* I'm allergic to season finales.

You know, the other week I bought a replacement for my Canon, which about half of these are from. The new one is... well, sleeker, more megapixel than my old one (which was an experiment in going for a slightly larger form factor) but man, I'm a little bummed I didn't get much of that "hey new toy!" feel.

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http://www.wired.com/wired/scenarios/ - heh, the hardcopy of "Wired predicting the future" at a time Windows 95 was buying all their adspace

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You know, I wish they DID make "liquid courage" except it didn't make you drunk, just a bit braver. Slashdot had a piece on a 66% Apple Market Share For Sales of High-End PCs. Some people pointed out that since most PC makers are compelled to offer products beneath that price point, this is a bit like saying "Newsflash: Apple has 100% market share for Macs!" but still it's impressive for a company that seemed to be on the ropes ten years ago.

In the discussion Terry "Discworld" Pratchett's Vimes' Boots idea came up, and they quoted the Wikipedia entry:

Early in his career, while he is still a nearly-impoverished Watchman, Vimes reflects that he can only afford ten-dollar boots with thin soles which don't keep out the damp and wear out in a season or two. A pair of good boots, which cost fifty dollars, would last for years and years - which means that over the long run, the man with cheap boots has spent much more money and still has wet feet. This thought leads to the general realization that one of the reasons rich people remain rich is because they don't actually have to spend as much money as poor people; in many situations, they buy high-quality items (such as clothing, housing, and other necessities) which are made to last. In the long run, they actually use much less of their disposable income. He describes this as The Samuel Vimes 'Boots' Theory Of Socio-Economic Injustice.

I'm not sure how fully I buy into this-- how solid is the tie-in between cost and durability? Sometimes things seem to cost more for their own sake, and you're paying for the brandname. Other times it is indeed a false economy, like when I went for these worthless CVS brand bandaids.

My philosophy tends to run that most consumer goods aren't interesting in and of themselves, so you should try and economize. My "morality of interestingness" says that WHAT a product does is generally better than HOW it does it. I tend to buy some of the cheapest cars on the market (though new, which might put me back on the 'lets pay to minimize risks in quality'), and my digital cameras are on the cheap side. Clothing-wise, I dunno, I've heard the Vimes principle applied in judgment of my default brand Old Navy but who knows -- I don't know if I'd want to pay more for a shirt that lasts seasons and seasons!

Any anecdotes? That cheap gadget that seems to last forever? That expensive item that was worth the cost because of years of faithful service?

Right now the current test for me is a $550 laptop I got from Micro Center. If it holds up and does what I need it to do over...well, I'm not sure how long... it would seem to back my idea of economizing on such things.

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Link of the Moment

--Enchanting photo re-enactments of kids' drawings.

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Quote of the Moment

Her perfect confidence in herself is a thing to which monuments should be erected; hers is a poise that ought to be on display in the British Museum. The affair between Margot Asquith and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in all of literature.

In this book of essays, which has all the depth and glitter of a worn dime, the Countess walks right up to such subjects as Health, Human Nature, Fame, Character, Marriage, Politics, and Opportunities. A rather large order, you might say, but it leaves the lady with unturned hair. Successively, she knocks down and drags out each topic. And there is something vastly stirring in the way in which, no matter what she takes off from, she brings the discourse back to Margot Asquith. Such singleness of purpose is met but infrequently.

Frankly I need to be on guard against the same tendency in my blogging. I learned one thing this past weekend... the best way to remove long nails from a board is to hammer the nail from the other side, and then use a clawhammer to remove it in the normal fashion. (For some reason, maybe because he was considering trying to preserve the wood, EB had me using pliers. Macho, but not so efficient.)

Sigh. I'm such a tool illiterate sometimes.

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Link of the Moment
I recently caught a reference to the Eton Wall Game, and danged if that doesn't sound like some primitive emergent version of calvinball.

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Video of the Moment
--The Civil War in 4 Minutes. Ericball points out this page about its construction, along with links to more from the making of the Abraham Lincoln Museum. I just love baseball happytalk, when players or coaches or managers just say "the right thing", always positive, upbeat, having to fit what they really want to say within the framework. Maybe it's the moderating nature of it; negative things aren't as bad as all that, positive things can't be taken for granted. I know the negative spin of that is they're just mouthing platitudes, ala "Nuke LaLoosh" in Bull Durham, that they can't be frank and say what's really on their mind, but still, I always find myself responding well to it. It's just respectful to the sport.

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Audio Clip of the Moment
So when I went to the Museum of Science Star Wars show I picked up one of those meant-for-kids Revenge of the Sith Audio Books, part of my fascination with medium- to low-tech electronic devices that play back sounds or show video. It's pretty useful to have R2D2 chirps or blaster sounds at the touch of a button, especially at work.

But as I was messing around with it, suddenly I got a vision of hundreds of geeks buying this book but totally wearing out this one button, the one with Natalie Portman saying "I'll Never Stop Loving You". (It's pretty low-fidelity to begin with , and the "I'll" got a bit lost in my re-recording... (thanks FoSOSO!)) The Audio Books link above includes some of the other soundclips, albeit without the craptastic cheap speaker effect.

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Clarification of the Moment

Obviously, they do not have it all at once and get drunk, but they get it in small amounts mixed in their tea.

What I like is the assumption that preventing apes from over-boozing needs clarification, but apes having their tea is of course completely normal.

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Art and Science of the Moment

--Pouring plaster down Antholes to make these fantastic sculptures...wow. And to think I used to think the little mounds on the surface encompassed the entire ant nest, and felt guilty about kicking into one... (via Boingboing)

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Passing of the Moment
R.I.P. Lloyd "I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy" Bentsen. What a great and riffable line!

Photo of the Moment

--Vader, as played by "Louie", friend of a coworker of mine who made up a $1000 or so outfit.

Started getting into semi-serious packing yesterday. I'm moving June 7th. And I've come to realize that living in an echo-y boxed up house is a good way of disconnecting, or at least marking the transition.

I skipped a morning shower yesterday, partially out of laziness, partially because...well, frankly, I just love the way my skin smells after I've spent a day slathered in SPF30, walking around in the sun. Some combination of light sweat and the chemicals all baked together, or something. It doesn't work with all brands, but a lot of 'em, including Banana Boat Sport, the one I bought the other day. It so taps into all these great old memories I have of going to amusement parks with my high school friends, flirting and riding rides and having a great time. Also summers working with mentally handicapped kids at the Catholic Diocese daycamp, which had its own kind of satisfactions.

Some of the sweetest and most nostalgic times I've had were riding back from Cedar Point, Mike driving with his gal pal in the front, me snuggling and sneaking kisses with my romantic interest in the back. Well, not always that sneaky. Our favorite tape to put in was the soundtrack to the Blues Brothers movie, on the portable tape player Mike used since his car (the 'Mikeymobile', a kind of aged Chevy Citation) didn't have its own stereo.

But anyway, getting back to the smell...I really love it. I mean...it's all I could do not to jam my nose on my shoulder and just stay there for hours, breathing deeply.

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Exchange of the Moment

"I could spend the time to sort this crap out properly. But I'd rather send a message to my future self. That message is 'F*** you, YOU sort it out, I'm busy.'" [begins dumping stuff from closet into cardboard box.]
"Yeah, but didn't you already kind of do that to yourself, that's why it's in this state now?"
"Nah. That wasn't me, that was my past self. He was a real prick."

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Photos of the Moment
The "Mind Eraser" at Six Flags New England on Friday:

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Censorship of the Moment
The poems being censored for being "un-American" is one of the most jaw-dropping stories I've read this week. As Bill the Splut put it, "What's the Eternal War on Terror about again? Oh, right, they hate freedom."

I'm grimly amused by the idea that via Chalabi, Iran played the USA like a bad violin, that they got their #1 foe (US, ala the Great Satan) to take out their #2 foe Saddam. Update from Germany
Hello from a German Internet Cafe! The keyboard is a little odd so I'll keep this quick. I have two need observations to add to my previous list of random German factoids (halfway down page): 1. Many women here use magenta haircoloring, even middle-aged women. Something you don't see much of in the states. 2. The dollar may be a bit weak at the moment, but the Euro is physically the weakest bill I've ever seen. I accidentally tore a 50 Euro ($63 or so...) note while taking it out from behind the moneyclip in my wallet...

• "If your time hasn't arrived yet, not even the doctor can kill you"

• R-rated Usenet post, but not in a bad way, Love and sex among the eccentric intelligensia

• The best way to seduce someone is by making yourself unavailable. You just have to be busy all the time and they'll be craving to see you.

• Slate.com on the First Photograph. Like, ever.

• Sometimes, magazines hid their best 'Huh?' moments deep inside stories that were otherwise utterly normal. I was drowsing through a Newsweek cover story called 'Clinton Now' when suddenly a comment by Julia Payne, the ex-president's spokeswoman, made me laugh out loud. 'One night last year he called about 1 a.m, ranting and raving about something,' Payne recalled. 'And I said, "Sir, are you watching Fox again?"'

I am convinced that Fox's Celebrity Boxing is the pinnacle of popculture wonderfulness and awfulness. Arnold Horseshack vs. Saved By The Bell's Screech. Wow. Utter genius. Probably not great boxing (some of the matchups seem a bit unfair..."Horseshack" is almost twice the age of "Screech", for starters..and 7'7" Manute Bol vs 375 lb. William "The Refrigerator" Perry??) but...wow. They look so angry...I'm not sure if it they're trying to get psyched up, or if they're just mad that their careers have brought them here. There should be a rule that they have to stay in character.

In other news, with the help of Brooke I gave the Love Blender a makeover the other day.

Oh yeah...I start my new job today! I think Ranjit nailed it when he offered "congratulations and condolences" about the end of my unemployment.

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Quote of the Moment

So, in short, you can't prove anything by one occurrence, or two occurrences, and so on. Everything has to be checked out very carefully. Otherwise you become one of those people who believes all kinds of crazy stuff and doesn't understand the world they're in. Nobody understands the world they're in, but some people are better off at it than others.

...I finally read a damn book, I've been way behind on my reading. This book was three lectures he gave, on the importance of doubt in science, and then by extension in life and morality and all of that.

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Link of the Moment
Death to the Extremist is an odd little online cartoon, Waiting for Godot meets Clerks via Colorforms... Yesterday the fire alarms at my building went off. We all dutifully filed down the stairs to the lobby, where we discovered we were completely stuck. Both the front and back doors to the outside were sealed shut. At first we assumed there was some sort of errant locking mechanism in place, but when the fireman arrived, we discovered that even once they were pried open with a crowbar (the glass (!) doors, not the fireman), they were still prone to slamming shut in dramatic fashion.

Apparently, there was some kind of mechanical venting mechanism, presumably meant to whisk away smoke filled air, which was creating a low-pressure area in the lobby. (I don't know enough about fire codes to know if the implied supply of fresh air to a fire is consequential either.) The amount of force needed to open the doors was tremendous. Eventually the back doors (a floor down) were open, although I'm not sure how, or how they were kept from slamming shut.

"New, from the Towering Inferno Construction Company! It's LobbyVacuuSeal technology! Why bother with pesky layoffs and expensive severance packages, when you have LobbyVacuuSeal?"

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Quote of the Moment

[The Monrobot Mark XI all-purpose computer] solves many of the technical problems that we in the computer game have been bucking for years [...] Mark XI weighs only three hundred and seventy-five pounds and is therefore completely portable.